Thursday, 22 July 2010


Most of the time I look at other people and compare myself to them. When I do this I end up becoming depressed. Why? Because I compare what's good about their life that I wish was mine. This longing to have the life others have was stupid. People have been telling me that for years, but I never saw that logic.

See, I was brought up to compare myself to others. There was always a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things. There was always something wrong with people and there was always something right about them. Living in conditions like these I ended up looking at the world objectively, with a specific way of living that I knew I didn't and never would have.

This feeling was excess baggage for me, someone once told me. I was carrying all this with me that it shows up in the form of insecurities and, sad to say, a certain degree of fake. I was never truly myself; I played different characters depending on where and with whom I was. This isn't to say that I lost my identity, no. This story isn't as far fetched as that.

I became an insecure, indecisive, faker who was void of a backbone. I couldn't defend my own beliefs, because I had none. I couldn't make decisions on simple matters, because everything seemed to have a flaw in them. I was afraid to make a decision because I felt that I might have been wrong and worse, judged by others.

So basically, I never really appreciated the value of what I had in front of me. Friends, things, situations, chances, etc. There always seemed to be a better option which I did not have.

By posting this tonight, I am setting myself free. It will not be easy. Nineteen years of self deprecation is not an easy habit to get rid of. But I will try.

And I do appreciate everything that I have. For the fortunes that favour me, for the friends who accept me, and for the opportunities I have that others don't.

And at the risk of sounding absolutely cliche, I have this to say: I am me.


Jie Juan said...

Sudhan, this so reminds me of the time I felt that way. I thought I was the ONLY one who felt this bad before. Turns out, it's not so alien after all.

I've always felt like killing that someone who is half way better than me in ways, but with bad character. I've always felt that they do not deserve to live in the first place.

But giving ourselves in and doing our best in life is what we can offer to ourselves to see the 'bigger picture'.


Anonymous said...

Ah... Those rotten feelings!

This confession of yours reminds me of my time when I was in college. I wanted to be famous in college, well-liked, and have all those things that every college student want. So I took up public speaking, sports (that I didn't really like), pretend to be over-friendly, you know.

It's funny, cuz when I first went into college, people say that I'm very social and very friendly; when in reality, I prefer to being alone for an extended period of time (lol).

But months after that, I began to feel drained. I can't keep up with the lies and masks anymore. As people realizes my weaknesses, they began to shun and ignore me (a thing that I feared at the time). But those who accept me for who I am, continue to be close to me.

So I just decided to be myself. Geez, I've never felt better!

You're unique in your own way. While you can try to learn to be "like that other guy", you DON'T HAVE to mimic him fully.

Easier said than done, though. ^_^

p.s. - and yes, I do feel like punishing (not to the point of killing, lol) some of these jerks with nasty attitudes. I guess shit happens...