Saturday, 31 July 2010


I've come a long way. I really have. And that's something to be proud of. But:

When I look back at how I was when I left high school, I can't compare myself now with then. I was so different back then. Fresh out of school, naive, no idea what lies in store for me.

Now it's been a meager two years and I have changed so much. Maybe the term "changed" wouldn't do me justice. I've learned a lot I guess.

It's hard to believe that the people whom I used to have daily conversations with, those whom I used to depend on to get me out of boredom, are strangers to me now. I actually have to force a conversation between us. It's hard to believe.

I thought time was supposed to have healing properties. The separation we had should have been enough to grant us topics of conversation. Instead we are left in awkward moments where it's obvious we no longer have anything in common.

What is it about me that has changed so much? I don't know.

Monday, 26 July 2010


Thank you Ellana for recommending Fireman (I really mean Fireproof) to me. It was a nice movie :D:D

Firehydrant is about a man named Caleb who's a total jerk to his wife. He demands respect, which she refuses to give unless he shows her some, which he doesn't. So yeah the wife files for divorce and Caleb tries to save their marriage through a 40-day experiment called The Love Dare.

What Caleb does isn't out-of-this-world, fun-TAS-tick stuff that leaves you in awe. No, in The Love Dare, he just does simple stuff that (for unromantic people like me) would seem like nothing. But the effect of the little actions is worth it, because as all cliched movies go, there is a happy ending. Go figure.

You need to watch it to appreciate the little things in life you do that matters to others. And also to know that marriage is hard fucking work.

And faith can also help pull you in the right direction because, really, who are we if we don't have a little faith in something?

Firestation is an awesome movie :D

Thursday, 22 July 2010


Most of the time I look at other people and compare myself to them. When I do this I end up becoming depressed. Why? Because I compare what's good about their life that I wish was mine. This longing to have the life others have was stupid. People have been telling me that for years, but I never saw that logic.

See, I was brought up to compare myself to others. There was always a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things. There was always something wrong with people and there was always something right about them. Living in conditions like these I ended up looking at the world objectively, with a specific way of living that I knew I didn't and never would have.

This feeling was excess baggage for me, someone once told me. I was carrying all this with me that it shows up in the form of insecurities and, sad to say, a certain degree of fake. I was never truly myself; I played different characters depending on where and with whom I was. This isn't to say that I lost my identity, no. This story isn't as far fetched as that.

I became an insecure, indecisive, faker who was void of a backbone. I couldn't defend my own beliefs, because I had none. I couldn't make decisions on simple matters, because everything seemed to have a flaw in them. I was afraid to make a decision because I felt that I might have been wrong and worse, judged by others.

So basically, I never really appreciated the value of what I had in front of me. Friends, things, situations, chances, etc. There always seemed to be a better option which I did not have.

By posting this tonight, I am setting myself free. It will not be easy. Nineteen years of self deprecation is not an easy habit to get rid of. But I will try.

And I do appreciate everything that I have. For the fortunes that favour me, for the friends who accept me, and for the opportunities I have that others don't.

And at the risk of sounding absolutely cliche, I have this to say: I am me.

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

How awesome is Alexander The Greatest? lol.

Un-awesome. He can't be awesome because he's The Greatest. Sudhan is and always will be the awesome one. :D

What do you want to know? Ask and you shall receive.