Saturday, 8 March 2008

Gaining Weight 101

Ever wanted to gain weight? Ever thought you were too thin or underweight? Well worry no more because It's finally here folks: Steps you can take to gain weight and remain that weight! :D This post I dedicate to all those thin freaks and anorexics out there.

Okay, first of all let us look at the problem. You seem to have the uncanny ability to refuse weight gain. In other words, yours could be a case of high metabolism in the body. (I'm speaking of course about those who are not suffering from anorexia or bulimia; those anorexics and bulimics can solve their own problems, since their condition is psychological. Get it? I'm calling you guys PSYCHOs) *rolls eyes*

Anyway that's not my point (though it felt good to let that one out). I am here to tell you, give you steps and ways to facilitate weight gain your body. Having spent a decade increasing weight, I can certainly tell you how you can do this. It's easy really. :) Let's get started.


1. There are no main meals in a day
There is no such thing as "There are three main meals in a day". No. Anytime you eat, you are having a meal. This is an important point that you MUST grasp and understand. If you don't, well stop reading. You'll just be wasting your time and my effort. Got it? There can be 10 meals in a day if you want. It's up to you.

2. Be full
There's a Malay saying that goes "Alang-alang mandi biar guna sabun". In my own words it means: If you're doing something, you might as well do the fucking thing fully. So when you eat, make your stomach full. Fill it up with as much crap as possible. When you munch in-between meals, you're already eating aren't you? Ergo you might as well eat till you burp. Why should you torture your stomach and make it crave for more food? The poor thing was born into your dozy system, it deserves better treatment.

3. Time is not a limiting factor
There are people who will tell you not to eat at night, after 8 or 9pm to be precise. Do not listen to these dipshits. They just want you to remain thin and frail all your life. Okay that is not true, health-wise they are correct. But you are opposing health aren't you- by trying to gain weight. Unless you are extremely malnourished, you are opposing health when you try to gain weight. There is a scientific reason for this, but I do not want to waste my time explaining this to you. It involves the gastrointestinal system especially the liver just in case you think I don't know what I'm talking about. Anyway, the best thing to do is go to sleep on a full stomach. Your body will process the food slowly and it will be slowly absorbed by the blood and cells SO your metabolism drops does it not? (this is an assumption by the way) When you get up in the morning, you will be stuffed and you can thank your wonderful body for that. Other than that, you can also eat in the morning, noon, and evening.

4. Exercise? Pfft
Okay, exercise. It is a way of keeping fit. Now you are trying to gain weight to become fatter. Exercise is not important. When your weight has increased, then go ahead and exercise and work out to buff up and maintain that weight. :D

5. What do I eat?
Anything! Eat whatever you want. I recommend fast food and oily food. But take in a lot of carbohydrates, people! Carbs is the way to go! Rice, bread, and all kinds of refined carbohydrates are plus points and kgs if you know what I mean. *winks*

6.Weight check
Constantly check your weight. Keep standing on that weighing scale and hope to see an increase in those kgs or lbs whenever you check. After you have lunch, check. Before bed, check. These two times should suffice. If you want to surprise yourself wait a few days before checking.

Another thing you guys should remember is to visualize yourself fatter than your current self. Here are some inspirations for ya. And remember another thing: Have FUN!

dance baby dancefatfat

Well that's all folksies. It's so simple even Dilbert can get it.

You're welcome in advance. :D



Jie Juan said...

THANKS MAN! Now I can start putting on weight and look hunky lol

Kreshenka said...

MY GOD!!!!!!