Love, actually.

Ah, love.

I shall never understand it. I mean I get it. I do feel it. But I will never understand in a "couply" love.

I love my dogs.

I love my friends.

I...er...love...my family...I guess.

But I don't get the whole issue about being couples. True, I did have a girlfriend before. She was my best friend. The person I could not live without. The person whom I had to talk to the whole day no matter what. I seriously did not have any other friends beside her. I did have friends but nobody that mattered as much. I did not have any close friends. She was the only person I wanted to talk to at that time.

That's something I believe I will never have with another person ever in my life. Because I already have that with my friends. Yes, I don't feel the same way about them as I did with my girlfriend, but I'm content with my friends. I don't see how I can love anyone else differently from the way I love my friends. Once I have friends whom I love as much, what's the point of having just one person to love that much?

My friend told me that its different because of the feeling that that one person is yours and nobody else's. But how can one have a best friend and another person whom you also call your best friend, and the only difference is the girlfriend/boyfriend is one whom you're physically attracted to. So then what's the point of having a best friend? I just don't get it.

Yes, I guess I'm over thinking. I just can't help but wonder whether having a partner is just something human beings are so accustomed to and moulded to accept so much so that not having a girlfriend or boyfriend is not a norm?

In my opinion, I don't need a physical relationship with a person. Probably because I'm a very private person so much so that I can't be my real self around others, even the bestest of my best friends. And there's also that whole...sex thing. Don't even get me started on my view on that. Two people, naked, exposed to each other, all vulnerable. Can you think of anything more embarrassing? O.O

Yes yes you're gonna think I'm weird. My defiance of the whole couple thing is probably full of fallacies.

Guys

If you have a girlfriend, then why do you have guy friends?

Because you need people like you as friends?

You need to do your usual guy stuff?

Why?

You can't play football with your girlfriend?

You can't play DotA with your girlfriends?

Why not get a boyfriend then you can do all the guy stuff with him?

Girls

If you have a boyfriend, then why do you have girl friends?

Because you need people like you as friends?

You need to do your usual girl stuff?

Why?

You can do your usual girl stuff with the guy whom you love so much?

He doesn't understand these things?

If he can't understand and you can't do these things with him then why be with him?

Why not get a girlfriend so that you can do all your girl stuff with her?

I want to do anything and everything with the person that I'm with because I believe in a package deal. I don't want to have a girlfriend (or boyfriend, I'm speaking for everyone here) who can't be my family and/ or friend. Why have a girlfriend or boyfriend when I can't spend each and every moment with him or her? What then, is the purpose of a relationship? For the continuity of life?

Honestly. Honestly. Seriously honest. If my girlfriend or boyfriend is unable to talk or interact with my group of friends and my family I will question what I'm actually doing with this person. This person is not able to even talk to the people I love most in life. Then what is this person to me? I might even decide to break up with the person because of this person. I've thought of this many times before. Hence, I believe that only the person I'm closest to can become my partner. But if the person is already my bestest best bestity best friend why should I take things to the next level? Relationships complicate things. I lost one best friend because we got into a relationship. I don't want to lose another friend.

Anyway, back to my question. What is the purpose of relationships? For the continuity of life? If you answer yes, then you've just succumbed to the norms of society. But that's not wrong. I just believe that that isn't the only answer.

If I've offended anyone by my words or thoughts in this post I'm sorry. If I've given anyone second thoughts about the relationship they're in now (I'm just taking into account the fact that it could happen, because I'm just that awesome) then I'm sorry but that was not my intention. If anyone feels the need to tell me that I'm wrong, please do tell me. I'm open to arguments. You're not wrong, and I'm not right. :) I just believe that yours isn't the only answer.

The Weekend

I realise that I'm not as active a blogger as I used to be.

This morning to was speaking to Airlacks and when he told me to check his blog for a reference he made to something, I did a double take. Just because I stopped blogging, I assumed that everyone else did too.

I was wrong. Though most of my friends don't blog anymore due to jam-packed timetables (which is one of the reasons I stopped), some still find the time to. And this made me realise that the reason I started blogging in the first place was out of interest, not because I was free. So here I am once more, with the interest to blog again.

So yes! I had a pretty eventful weekend. Tuition notwithstanding of course. I do consider my classes as part of my "life". So honestly, I am not lifeless. :D

Anyway! My week ended with lunch at TBR with Ellana of course. I think... When I think of how my week usually ends I always picture lunch with Ellana... I don't remember now but it'll come back to me. (Maybe this is why I decided to stop blogging: cos I can't recall half the things I actually want to blog about)

On to Saturday... damn. I forgot what happened. What the hell.

OH NOW I REMEMBER WHAT I DID ON FRIDAY.

Shimi came over to uni after my classes ended. She was going to take part in the Public Speaking competition organized by The Star. So I cancelled my tuitions for the day to help her out. She was fucking awesome. We finished and had dinner and she left at about 11-ish. Time well spent, I have to say, because the next day she made it to the finals. :)

AND REMEMBERING WHAT I DID ON FRIDAY HELPED ME REMEMBER WHAT I DID ON SATURDAY.

I had tuition in the morning with The Light Of My Life. His name is Jordan. On why he's The Light of My Life will have to wait for another post. Before tuition with him at 10am I decided to go to campus to use the computer lab. I have an assignment for Calculus which I haven't started. Yes. Present tense. Why have I still not started despite going to uni on Saturday? I met Joanna and Jerkins. XD

But I had to tear myself away from them to go for tuition at 10 but we decided to drop by Jerkins' place later after their classes so yeah. I went for tuition at The Light Of My Life's, taught him what animal and plant cells are for two hours and then left for campus once again to pick Joanna up to go to Jerkins' place.

Half an hour later, after nearly being mauled by his dogs, we sat in front of Jerkins' piano while he taught us how to play. After a while, we decided to go out to makan because Joanna had not had lunch and I sorta owed Jerkins for not letting him sleep that afternoon. =.=

So we sat in the mamak till like....6 and then I sent Joanna home and went back home. When I got home everyone was getting ready to go to my cousins' place at Shah Alam. Family tops everything else, well extended family at least, so I cancelled tuition that night. Muahahaha. I'm such an evil teacher. So yes I spent the rest of the night doing nothing actually. AJ dragged me out to some shop for a drink and made me pay. So yeah that was that. Got home at 1am.

SUNDAY

Class at 9am. It was the usual class at V-Kidz kindergarten.

It was a very HOT day. I got home after class at 1.30 and slept till 3.30. Got to my music class just in time at 4. Then when I reached home I was instructed to mow the lawn. And by the time I was done it was already 8.

I wasted away the whole night by not doing anything. :(

I have a quiz on Wednesday. :(

Financial Economics quiz. :(

Gonna fucking die on Wednesday. God save us all.

Black Swan

I felt it. It was perfect.

ZOMG OR WHAT???

It is 2.30am and I have just finished watching Black Swan. I. Am. In. Awe.

Natalie Portman was fabulous as Nina, portraying a timid dancer who, despite her perfect techniques, just couldn't pull off the Black Swan. The transformation from Swan Queen to the Black Swan was awesomely-fantastically-beautiful as she finally conquered her fear of being cast away from the role by killing the only thing standing in her way: herself.

Kudos to Natalie Portman. You deserved the award for Best Actress.

Crackers and Oats

I'm having cream crackers and oatmeal for dinner. It's worse than I thought.

My feelings are being channeled into the food that I eat.

This morning, to ease the pain, I had 2 gigantic tuna sandwiches from Subway. The crust of the parmesan oregano bread caressed my wet tongue; the soft tuna massaged by the crunchy lettuce, tomatoes, cucmbers, jalapenos, and peppers melted in my mouth; the mayo and mustard provided a combination of tastes that could send a shiver down the spine of only a food addict (such as myself). I was powerless to stop the explosion of flavours. Food orgasm.

That was joy. I felt better. And then I felt full. Go figure.

But now, Hopelessness.

The only consolation I have is the hazelnut cocoa spread on my crackers. Oh how wonderful. Not.

Lessons

Let me teach all of you something I just recently learned.

For those of you who believe in karma, this will help you burn all your past karma.

For those of you who don't believe in karma, this will help you release all the feelings you've had towards people in the past or in the present.

But keep in mind that you need to mean all these things.

Step 1
Write this down (or in my case, for convenience, type it out)

I seek forgiveness:
1. From , for .
2.
3.
And so on. Trust me this will be a very very very long list. I'm already up to 64 things, and this is only for the past few days. Be very specific in what you're asking for. And it's okay to repeat the same person's name many times, with different reasons for asking for forgiveness.

Step 2
Once again, write this down (or in my case, for convenience, type it out)

I forgive:
1. , for .
2.
3.
And so on. You must include actions by those people whom you were offended by before but shrugged off. It's important because this will make you sure of the excess baggage you're trying to remove from yourself. Once again, be specific.

Now, you are ready to forgive and be forgiven. You should feel better about yourself after you've done this because you've come to terms with yourself and others, even though they don't know it. But you've already planted the seed of thought, that is, to be forgiven by them, and they will forgive you through their actions. It's the Law of Attraction at work.

And even if you don't believe in this, at least you've let your feelings out onto something solid which you can see clearly. You can see clearly where you stand and where others stand for you. This is a great step in forgiving others and forgiving yourself.

Accomplishment

Yes! Finally done with Business Law assignment! Yay~

That feeling of accomplishment was quickly followed by a need to go home and sleep, therefore missing Business Law tutorial along the way. xD

I wanna thank a few people who helped in the completion of this assignment, for without them this assignment would have been left in my hands, and everyone knows how badly I can screw up. :)

Chin Yean - You were awesome at editing and compiling the Introduction, Body, and Conclusion of the assignment. It was awesome work.

Soon Teck - You were awesome at finding the journals from libraries and online resources and starting the whole assignment. It was awesome research.

Jia Hao - You were awesome at coming up with the two general questions which we eventually broke down further into three or four questions, and also at sporadically checking in on the progress of the assignment. It was awesome hearing from you every three or four days.

I-Jiao - You were awesome at staying out of our way and laying low until the day of submission itself. It was awesome nonparticipation.

and mostly thanks to:

Anna - You were awesome at reminding me about what to do, where to go, how to do, when to do, who to see, and helping me with the drafts of the interview questions and answers, and taking charge when things started getting haywire. It was just simply absolutely awesome.

Dr Roy - You were awesome at being the selected consumer for our interview, giving us answers that were simple to understand and remember and easy to write down, and being patient with our haphazardness. It was awesome respondent work.

and I would NOT like to thank:

The Lecturer - You were awesome at finding an impossible task. Let's hope you don't stop there and decide that this is too much of trouble for your future students. I assure you, they deserve to be punished as much as we did.

The Lawyer - You were simply awesome at not being found and contacted. You have awesome dependence issues.

Wow, a bloody Oscar speech. Well this assignment really got me worried for many weeks okay, despite all the avoiding and sleeping on which I managed to do with the work.

It's over. Let's hope we get an A. Gambateh.

Inhumanity

I don't understand humans. I understand their carnivorous needs. I get that they like eating meat. I myself don't mind being a vegetarian, but I don't live in a conducive enough environment.

BUT what I don't understand is their evil exploitation of animals so the humans can get the best out of the animals.

I just read an email about how ducks are treated so get enhanced livers to make succulent foie gras. I think its despicable. The ducks are force fed so that their livers will become enlarged, leading to a "tastier" dish of foie gras. The ducks are literally held by their beaks and fed food through a metal pipe non stop. Non fucking stop. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE.

Can't they just rear these ducks and geese in a nice farm with a lot of land and ponds? Can't they let the animals roam free on the land? And then when you want to eat them, kill em la. You don't have to lock these poor animals up and torture them?

Why do humans treat animals like they mean nothing? We ARE NOT SUPERIOR, in contrast to what humans believe. One natural disaster is all it takes to destroy all our lives at one go. Just because we are better built, physically and mentally, we think that we are SUPERIOR to animals? We are not superior, and they are not inferior. We are just made different from them. We, like them, are unique in our own way.

We do not have the right to exploit the animal kingdom for our benefit.

Just last week I saw a snake, a huge ass snake, trying to cross the road to get the jungle opposite its own which was being torn down for *surprise, surprise* housing projects.

I live in Bukit Antarabangsa. More than a year ago, a big landslide caused damage to property, lives and great inconvenience to the residents. Since the incident in December 2008, they have not even finished properly sorting out the place. And they've already started building homes at the foot of the hill?! What happened to the loss of consumer confidence in the exclusive hillside housing area after the landslide? What happened to the refusal of banks to provide loans on houses in Bukit Antarabangsa? What happened to people being scared to live in such an area?

Boy, humans sure are resilient, I can tell you that.